oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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