the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
