I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
