whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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