Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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