My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
