I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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