He had one of those small greek statue penises
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
