YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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