Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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