Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
