I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
no, he came in my armpit
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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