Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
