whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
