anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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