Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
