My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
