Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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