Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
