i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
