Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
