I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
