i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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