Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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