Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
