I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
