oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
