I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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