my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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