I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
