1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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