yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
