I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Sober January is a disaster.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
they're like a gay fantastic four
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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