i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Your cock deserves a montage
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
