that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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