im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
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