i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
