I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
