it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Randomize
