john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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