Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
