I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
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