the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Randomize
