If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
