My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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