I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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