return my video game
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
