You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
