Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
