Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
