This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
