what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize