two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize