Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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