Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
