Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize