youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
