you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
My dick has a subreddit
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
