Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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