I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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