I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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