oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
