your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
