that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
