Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
