Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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