Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Randomize
