she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
