Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
