I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
