My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
